A Moment For Eternity
I sat with my back against the wood panels of the round pen, taking in everything that had just happened and reflecting on my life these past few years. When I lost Eternity, we were living back in the city and were finding it difficult to make ends meet. After she was gone, I knew that it would be impossible for us to adopt another horse and be able to afford to board him or her in the city. Not only had I lost my best friend… but my dreams seemed to be choked by my circumstances. The pain of losing Eternity and letting my dreams fade away was too great for my heart to carry. I did a complete 180 away from horses… getting rid of anything horse related, even my saddle… Three weeks later, I met my husband and life took me on a completely different journey. For a short time, we had moved to Arizona and later returned to California. We lived the newlywed life on a newlywed budget in Los Angeles; a place where horses were an expensive luxury.
As far back as I can remember, horses ran wild in my veins. I was in love with anything and everything horses… most especially, wild horses. Though my heart had been shattered, I still had a pulse for horses… one I couldn’t ignore forever. Thinking of Eternity more, sharing her stories with my husband helped me remember my love. One year, we had decided to visit Springville for the Apple Festival… and once again, my pulse became stronger. Driving miles upon miles, passing open land dotted with horses, a longing began to tug at my heart. I knew where I was meant to be… and most importantly, who I was at the core of my being. Over time, my husband and I began toying with the idea of leaving this crazy jungle of city life to head for the peace and tranquility of the countryside. Then one day, something my husband had said when we were dating rang through my mind… “Do not let your circumstances control your desires… but rather, let your desires control your circumstances.” My heart finally understood those words and I resolved in my heart that I was done letting the odds of failure choke out any potential of success.
I smiled to myself… this little horse, this journey, this beautiful place had led me to a true moment of peace, one that I had not experienced in a long time. I walked over to Perseus and wrapped my arms around his neck… this time, for comfort of my heart. Allowing myself to be vulnerable with my feelings and to be honest with myself, I began to feel the void in my heart from losing Eternity. Oh, how I have missed her… It was so hard to keep myself from wishing she could be there with me. I rested my cheek upon Perseus’ withers as he grazed at the little blades of grass peeking through the dirt of the round pen. A sound caught his attention and he lifted his head to look in the distance. In that moment, I couldn’t see his blaze. Instead, I only saw a profile of a horse, gleaming red as the sunlight danced upon its coat. I held back tears, as it was almost as if I was looking at Eternity, draped across her back just as I had done countless times before. I didn’t know how long this moment would be, but I wanted to stay here forever. I finally let my heart release all that it had been carrying with it these past few years. I held on tightly and sobbed… I cried for all of the pain, the anguish, the guilt I’ve felt over losing my best friend… I cried in apology again and again… and I cried out of sheer gratitude at having the chance to “see” her, to hold her one last time.
It was only then that I was finally at peace with saying goodbye to my girl. She had taught me so many lessons in my young life and I wish I had known how little time I would really have with her. I would have made so many different decisions. Even to this day, reflecting on her and all she gave me helps me to grow into a better woman, for my husband, for my family, for my friends, and for the horses. I knew that I would always be grateful to this little horse who gave me so much in just one day and that I would never forget him. When he lifted his head again, this time I saw a beautiful horse for who he was–Perseus. I will never know how long I stayed in that moment… but I know that it was a gift from God.
Since it was still hot out and I didn’t want to continue working with the tarp again quite yet, I decided to look around and see what other things I could work with him on. He’d also been bothered by the flies, so I walked over to his corral and grabbed his fly mask. When I returned to the round pen, I wrapped my jacket around his neck and put his fly mask on. He was a little hesitant with the fly mask, but once everything was on, he returned to grazing as if everything was normal. More time passed and I felt as though we must be getting close to dinner. I decided to put the tarp back on Perseus and instead walk him up to the barn to show Jill and Chris just how much he accomplished! Before I could even finish walking up the long dirt drive, Morgan spotted Perseus and hurried back to the barn to grab Chris, Jill, and his camera. They were all so proud of Perseus and couldn’t believe this little horse was standing there with so many different things going on. We laughed and were all just so happy for how far he had come. I couldn’t have been more proud of my little, mighty, knight in shining armor.
This post is part of a series from my experience of attending the Glamp, Pamp and Revamp retreat at The Medicine Horse Project in Caliente, CA.